Hide and Seek (07-03-2008)

I counted to 11 or 12 before I realized you were gone. I was probably supposed to wait a little longer, but I've never been the patient type. Wherever you are though, you have me stumped. I have looked everywhere I can think, and yet you remain well hidden with no clues to your whereabouts. There were a few times I was sure I had found you, but it wasn't so.

You were not any of the girls I played tag with during recess and lunch.

You were not the beautiful blonde with the french braids I would dance with on rainy days.

You were not the cute soccer player from science class whom I often tried to impress.

You definitely were not the one who deceived and corrupted me, altering my world and causing the alienation of my friends and family. You could never be that cruel.

You were not the one who saved me from the one before. The one I found on a moonlit beach at the beginning of winter. The one I loved for over three years, with whom I shared all my deepest secrets, and who shattered my heart as I tore hers to pieces. The one who left me scarred and will always have a piece of my heart. No, you were not her.

You were not the perpetually drunken, meaningless rebound that followed.

You were not the amazing girl I spent so many years in class with, whom I love and admire for her innocently blunt personality. She is one of my best friends, but you are not her.

Where are you? Every time I think I've found you, some little nuance or subtle detail manifests otherwise. Perhaps I am exhausted with the tedium of searching, but I think rather it has to do with what Alex said. Amidst one of our monthly beer-soaked barbecues, we discussed the finer points of Hide-and-Seek tactics. As the coals slowed to a hypnotic dance, he elucidated the absurdities of strenuously searching and his preferred Tao-like approach. At the time I dismissed his philosophy with the curling cigar smoke filling the patio. Though, like the smell of smoke, his words have lingered with me and I have come to realize their truth.

So wherever you may be, I will find you. But until then, I will enjoy the search with my newfound patience (and perhaps a cold beer).