Salt Lake City (07-05-2008)

"I don't think you've really given it a chance," was the counter argument. Fuck that. I packed my shit into a Honda Accord, left my friends, and drove nearly a thousand miles to Salt Lake without any second thoughts or reservations. I only changed my mind once I got here. I think I gave it a fuckin' chance.

I moved up here to climb and enjoy life for a year before commencing another six to ten years of graduate work for my doctorate. I was excited at the prospect of moving to a new place known for its climbing where I could meet new people. I was excited at the idea of living closer to two of my brothers and spending more time with them. I was excited that I thought I knew what I was going to do. I was wrong.

It's not that I don't like Utah. The mountains surrounding Salt Lake are breathtaking. The people I've met are chill - my roommate is one of the coolest people I've ever known - and the climbing lives up to the hype. But I've quickly realized that this is not where I want to live. I need a place of culture, a place of mental stimulus, a place not Salt Lake City. Everything here feels so isolated and static, which might be attributed to its uncharacteristic cleanliness of an urban center. It doesn't feel like home.

I've been here roughly a week, and I'm already anxious to move back to California. Regardless of whether I stay or go, I know others will cite people as my justification for the decision, but this most certainly is not the case. I've made some messed up decisions in my life because I based them on other people, and as a result I've learned to be extremely selfish in my decisions. So if you think I make a decision because I was influenced by someone else, then you can go fuck yourself.

Nearly every night I've been here has involved either alcohol or marijuana, which can be fun, but a lifestyle of perpetual intoxication due to indifferent boredom is not where I see myself. I can't see myself achieving what I want to do here, namely getting my graduate applications finished and enjoying life, soberly.

I know that I will disappoint my brother, sister-in-law, and roommate by moving back to California, and that's not something I want. I'd rather live with their disappointment though than be unhappy for a year.

Perhaps when I start my new job as a server I'll meet some people and my feelings will change, but somehow I doubt it. And I'm sure I'll hear more of "you didn't give it a chance." To make an appropriate epicurean rebuttal, you don't tell someone to keep eating something until he likes it. He merely spits it out and attempts to rid his palate of any disgusting aftertaste.